Some time late last night I went to take a shower so I could go to sleep. It's just one of those things I am a bit compulsive about. I don't like to get in my bed with the days pollutants trapped on my body. I also will not leave the house in the morning until I have been refreshed once again.

So, last night, as I was rinsing the conditioner out of hair, I was abruptly disrupted by the sound of J's voice asking in a sarcastic tone "Again?" I poked my head out to greet him with a quick hello kiss and continued on with my rinsing. A few minutes later I turned the water off and reached for my lavender towel, stepped out of the tub, passed behind him he was standing over the toilet shaking off the drip and then stopped mid step to turn around. I just stood there. And I stared. And I grinned. And I just stared. Caught myself starring when he looked up at me, turned around and headed to the bedroom to dry off. I don't mean dry off as in wiping the water off of me either. He couldn't stay since he had to get up early for work so a few minutes later he kissed me goodbye and headed for the door. I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted to reach out and scout his body with my hands.

But I didn't.

I just stood there clutching that lavender towel in my hands and just staring at him.

I know he saw the hunger in my eyes when he chuckled, looked down, back at me, and then back towards the bedroom. "You're gonna make me lose my job.

I have to get some sleep.

See you tomorrow?" Still no words would surface from me.

I just shook my head up and down, walked him to the door, and locked it behind him. What the HELL was that about?? Was there some sort of subliminal message tapped across his thingy that read YOU WANT ME that my weak mind failed to ignore? When my legs were finally able to move, I walked back into the bedroom still teasing wet both from the shower and from the unspoken solicitation still displayed in my eyes.

I started to dry off and I allowed my mind to drift. Ten minutes later realized I was rubbing my skin raw so I went and hung up the towel, wrapped my hair up in a bun, and climbed into bed. Just after I pulled the comforter over me, I decided I wanted a cigarette. Now let me stop right here to go into this "deciding" logistic.

Yeah, somewhere in this decision making, there is a symbolic logic. Every night for the past seven years, I have "decided" I want to smoke a cigarette just after pulling the comforter over myself. It is not something I do on a whim. It is part of my bedtime routine, hence the ashtray on the night stand. Now let's talk about this ashtray. I used to have a rule about not smoking inside. If I wanted to smoke bad enough I would have to put on some clothes and step outside the front door. Being such the loyal customer I am, Marlboro sent me a heavy grade stainless steel ashtray. Since then, I have used their gift with pride. I carry it from the bedroom, to the living room, and back to the bedroom at the end of the day so I know it will be there when I "decide" to pollute my lungs just after I pull the...

you know the story.Now, every time I step in the front door, I am religiously greeted with the aroma of old cigarette smoke. My sincere thanks to Marlboro. Try sending me a free carton next time. So going back to last night, I noticed the bright red 1:03 looking back at me so I set the alarm for 4:30 figuring someone is going to need a wakeup call. I, just like every smoker, searched around for a few minutes for a lighter, lit the end of a product that was about to bring 3.7 minutes of pure unadulterated pleasure, reached out only to find that my handy dandy heavy grade stainless steel gift from Marlboro is not in place for me to carry on. FIVE MINUTES!!!! That boy was here for five minutes!! In that five minutes he some how managed to leave me with an unjust unsatisfied sexual craving and a disrupted bedtime routine. How does he do it? And I forgot mention that he left the toilet seat up! Was he trying to flush my chi down the toilet? Someone please help me understand.